To him: If you read this, text me or send me a message/ask on here and tell me, I won’t reply, I just want to know. Please.

I have made mistakes. Some that I sit here and think about and wonder how I could have ever made them, they were so stupid. I would do so many things differently. I regret some, I cherish some. These mistakes have taken me to where I am now. I’m alone. Dumped twice by the guy I thought would love me forever. The guy who I thought was tall, strong, protective, caring, sweet, loving, smart, trustworthy, and everything else. The love of my life. I don’t miss the fights or the worrying or the controlling on either end. But everything else, I miss. The one I thought would be there, would take what the world threw at us and what we threw at each other. The one I thought would fight for us, would try everything, would talk to me when things needed to be discussed. Things aren’t always easy and I was the stupid one who thought that we could tough out those hard times together. But he wasn’t happy, I didn’t make him happy and he fell out of love. For the last two weeks of our most recent relationship he pretended everything was fine until he broke up with me. Told me we didn’t get along and that he wasn’t happy. I don’t understand how he could all of a sudden think that we don’t get along, or how one could fall out of love so easily. After all we’d been through. How can we go through all of that and not get along? And then after that, we talked, I thought I’d be fine and then he told he he wanted us back together but that we needed space and time and to just be friends. And I was great with that, excited to be friends, to still have that connection. Then he changed his mind, then changed it back, then changed it again. He played with my heart, my feelings just because he couldn’t make his mind up. Now I unfortunately see him at school, with other girls. I can’t even imagine how I’m going to feel when I find out or know he’s having sex, kissing, doing things we used to do with other girls. And that hurts. I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to see him with other girls. I don’t want to know what he’s doing or who he’s with. I have to see him act different, act like I don’t matter. I don’t think he sees how much he hurts me everyday, every minute. I know he’s moved on, so quickly and that hurts. It feels like I was nothing to him. After all he’s said to me, it all feels like a lie. Like every word he said when we were in love was a lie and nothing is true anymore. He is and was an ass to me too now, he changes from being nice to being a complete asshole. He’s not who I knew. He acts fine, he has his own life and has moved on. And it hurts. It all hurts so much. And nothing anyone says can make it better because every second he is making it worse. I have to deal with the pain, with the hurt while I have to see him act like it’s nothing, act like there was never any love, never anything between us. And I wish there was something I could do, but there never is. It’s black and white with him. He doesn’t care. I am sorry for everything and more. I wish there was something I could do. I’d do anything butI don’t think he believes in me, my promises, or my word anymore. He won’t even talk to me. I’ve messed up, he’s going to find someone else and forget about me forever, I’ll be nothing. I’ve messed up, really bad this time. 

I don’t know what I’m trying to say with all of this, but I had to get it all out one way or another.