fallopianpubes:

oomshi:

*takes your virginity & slam dunks it into the trash*

*rebounds* not in my house

unsuccessfulmetalbenders:

narutoe:

i farted in the apple store and everyone got mad but it wasnt my fault they don’t have Windows

get out

menluda:

When he asks if you’re in the mood, look him straight in the eye for a moment and then say “Bitch, I might be.”

wifipasswords:

im not even sassy im just an asshole

stylinsmut:

the first smut i ever read was about a girl listening to these people having sex in a bathroom stall and when they were done she snuck in and it was like “she saw semen all over the floor and bent over to pick one up”

she picked up a sperm

just one

princesshoff:

i just had a dream that macklemore was at my house and he told me that he’d spent all the money he made from Thrift Shop and couldn’t buy food and i said “aw do you need some snacklemore” and he punched me in the face

youwishangelfish:

Imagine reading a book of every conversation where people have spoken about you.

arekelly:

Instead of moaning during climax say “Flash 9 required for audio”.